I don’t know about the rest of you, but I can always tell
when a bloke is only growing a moustache for Movember. For some reason the dignity and
gravitas that usually accompanies a genuine nose-muffler, the type grown by
ringmasters, philosophers and maths teachers is completely missing. Movember mo-growers either carry it with the grace, aplomb
and subtly of an oversized novelty sombrero, brashly waving it around as if to
say ‘I’m a wild and crazy guy I want to make party-party’. Or they especially furtive about it, ducking their heads
when they catch you checking out their
face-friend and giving you sheepish looks through their eyelashes which say ‘I
don’t usually look like this’.
The
former I can deal with using the same patient good nature that I use to deal
with other people’s ribald dads but the latter I find infuriating because they
don’t seem to realise that their bashful moustache makes them about 34% more
attractive to me. It makes me so sad that the first day of summer that things
gonna be long gone and the city’s make-out appeal is gonna slam right back down
to ‘minimal’ until the drunken Christmas parties roll around.
Annyway, I thought I do a little tribute to the most popular
‘tache styles I’ve seen this year. I have obvious favourites, despite loving
them all. As my model I have used English actor, J.J. Fields below;
J.J.s pretty awesome permanent moustache honestly make me think, ‘Is there anything wrong with marrying
someone based solely on their facial hair?’ The answer is no!
The Bryan Ferry
Although similar in appearance, this thing should not be confused
with the Shifty Sam, because it’s about
a billion times more sophisticated in a never-to-be-attempted-by anyone-other-than-a-thin-attractive-70’s-crooner-or-F.
Scott-Fitzgerald kind of way. Just look at J.J. in this baby, he looks like Indiana Jones if
he had decided to take art history instead. These things are so classy they
have to be rinsed in champagne and styled with tiny silver combs. If I was
even half as well maintained as I should
be to deserve a guy sporting one of these,
I’d have to be Audrey fucking Hepburn*
Notable Examples: Bryan Ferry, Clarke Gable, Sammy Davis Jnr.
Chopper Gringo Hulk Hughes the 70’s Porn and Tennis Star
‘Oh look at me! I’m 100% man oozing with frustratingly
charming machismo. I’ve got absolutely no imagination or sense of humour, but
I’m great at making out! I’ve never really understood irony but some girl with
a fringe and glasses told me my ‘tache was ‘ironic’, and that’s expanded my
pick-up range by 20%! I’ll keep milking this fad until it disappears and use
the phrase ‘moustache rides’ indiscriminately! Come on ladies, you know I’ll
win you over eventually!’
And they do, they always do.
Notable Examples: That dude in Dead Wood, Bubble-O-Bill, and Nick Cave
Patches McGee
Whilst there are a lot of sensory memories about high school
which I may still find sexy but patchy pubey facial hair is not one of them.
There’s something about this one reminds me of that kid in at school who
developed too quickly and had man hips, appalling skin and a shadowy moustache
before most other kids could turn 13. Although we should all be impressed with
the fact that many men can grow a credible nose-neighbour within a month, there
are many who try and fail, miserably. I suggest that these guys don’t bother
looking like teenaged nightmares and make generous donations to their more hirsute
fellows.
Notable examples: The Woman for Le Tigre, boys from the
Brewery Coffee shop on Erskine Street, Leonardo DiCaprio.
Shifty Sam
Nothing says ‘I’m trying to smell you while you’re not looking’ than a shifty Sam. Even J.J. looks like a sexual harasser in one of these. These kind of thin, wispy snail trails are favoured by office creeps, adult book store owners and the skinny weird villain in costume dramas. But what’s not to like about that? I always said that the best thing about creeps is their perseverance and tenacity.
Notable examples: Chris Cornell, John Waters, Crispin Glover (ok, he doesn’t really have one but if he did it would be weird).
Captain Flourish
This is truly the king of all moustaches! It’s majestic,
rugged, stately, regal and manly all at the same time. I like these best when
they are growing on charming old-timey Southern Gentlemen who say things like
‘I say, well, I say, its mighty fine to meet ya, miss Jo-Maybelleline, would you care
for a mint julep and the deed to the plantation in my heart? If you would do me
the honour of takin’ it, well, I’d be mighty obliged’.
However, the Captain Flourish may need more than a month to
really get going. I don’t think it’s possible to grow a mo in secret, but if you
could, it should be this one. Then on the first of November you unveil this
beauty and let us all bask in its glory for the next thirty days, a memory to
treasure for the rest of my life.
Notable Examples: Corey Stoll, Tom Hardy in Bronson, Mel Gibson in his 'I'm Completely Mad with a beard now' phase.
Finally, as I woman I felt that I’d been put at disadvantage
with Movemeber, being unable to really participate (not that I don’t try, the
results are underwhelming). That was until I heard about this lady. I think her
story is pretty cool, I think she’s pretty cool. I’ve said it before, I wish I
had a credible tache...
Also also also, before I forget, y'all should really head over to Movember Australia's official site, where you can donate, play games and check out more amateur mos online! Exciting!
Also also also, before I forget, y'all should really head over to Movember Australia's official site, where you can donate, play games and check out more amateur mos online! Exciting!
*I am currently more like Katherine Hepburn, but the really
old Katherine Hepburn who turned up to the Oscars wearing her gardening
clothes, covered in dirt.
