Halloweening

Halloween is upon us! The witching hour has begun! Pull up a head stone, my Darklings and gather around for I am about to discuss that which prompts ghoulish terror, fiendish horror and devilish dilemmas. Of course, children of the night, I speak of the dreaded Halloween costume! Dun dun dah! Thunder clap! Lightning! Mwahahahahahah!

Despite ranting against Halloween in the past (see here), this year I’ve decided to start getting into the spirit a little bit more. I have conceded for these sensible reasons;

a) By the time I have children Halloween will be a legitimate thing and we’re all going to have to start dealing with that;

b) Halloween incorporates a number of things I like (costumes, the macabre, getting free food);

c) All Hollows Eve is an ancient Celtic tradition and should warm the woaded cockles of my Caledonian heart; and finally,

d) Trying to turn back the tide of American pan-nationalism, which we all claim is why we don’t celebrate this thing,  is a futile as trying to resuscitate a rubber fish.

So this year, I’m getting into it, aided by the fact that I have not one but TWO Halloween Parties to go to tonight! Whoa! So crank up the Monster Mash and break out the Tru Blood; it’s time to get balls to the wall DRESSED UP!

The thing about dressing up just isn’t what it used to be when you were a kid, back when Halloween didn’t really exist in Australia and in order not to piss off our lefty parents we asked if we could have ‘scary’ parties so that we could dress up like Dani from Hocus Pocus and arrange to go trick or treating at our own houses. In those days costumes were way simpler, involving vague ideas actualised by bits of old material recycled from a ballet concert costume your sister wore a year ago with some dodgy face painting and a hat made from an ice cream bucket, stapled together by our parents half an hour before you left the house.

When you dress up as an adult your costume is expected to have loads of thought and effort, consideration and boobs put into it.  Allow me to explain.…

 Say for example you wanted to go to a Halloween party as a witch. Little kids’ witch costumes consist of a black ragged smock, pointy black hat, and pint sized broom and green face paint. Simple pimple, that’s just how it went.

These days things are very different. For starters, there’s the theme. If you’ve been lucky to be invited to a party, you had better hope that the host has been lenient enough that something as simple as a witch is still on theme. As parties could be Pirates vs. Ninjas, Zombies vs. Pirates, Steampunk Pirate Ninja Dinosaur it’s hard to picture where a little witch would fit in fit in. So for the sake of moving forward you haven’t been invited to a Great Gatsby vs. Predator party but a nice rustic ‘Halloween party’ this Halloween.

Then there’s the question, what kind of witch do you dress as? Which film, book or TV show witch would you be referencing? Would you be a 60’s retro Samantha Witch? Little Hermione? Sexy grown-up Hermione? Bushy-buck-tooth-from-the-book-how-she-should-actually-look Hermione? Dress in nineties mini shirt-knee sock combo and ‘OMG I’m totally a nineties teen witch from like The Craft or whatever. I’ve like totally I’ve shaved my head bald and worn a wig because that’s what was happening with Robin Tunney in the movie!  Sooo authentic!’

 Eventually you settle on a Blair Witch costume made of shadows and strategically short twigs. Why so short? Because not only does your costume have to be ironic, clever and referencing whatever hipster meme is sweeping around the traps, you have to look reasonably attractive for all those Instagram photos that will surface on Dia De Los Muertos. For more ranting about looking sexy see here.

So now that you’re sexy, clever and covered in crap you’ve got to get yourself to the party location. This was fine when you had your mother to drive you places.  Now, how exactly do you think you’re gonna cross suburbs in a working Blair Witch costume, with light up twig children and four thematic bottles of Macbeths ThreeWitches Hard Cider?  Unless you’re resigning yourself to the fun police and driving yourself, you’re either using your hard earned cash on a cab (note: I have considered collapsible costumes for this very reason) or you’re hoofing it with public transport. Fortunately in Sydney these days on a Saturday night, what with all the Hens nights, Bucks Turns, Mardi Gras and frankly the way that people dress to go out these days, you are unlikely to be the strangest thing they’ve seen that night.

I’m prepared to put myself through all of this because I have an almost fanatical devotion to dressing up, so I am not complaining in any way! In reality I should have gotten on board with Halloween ages ago because I relish the opportunity use my nut and come up with costumes which are on theme, funny and interesting, transportable and beautiful all at one time. I fact this was my costume for this Halloween…

Right, my devil babies, I must now fly into the night! The first gathering of darkness starts in three hours and it’s going to take at least two to get into that full body gimp suit I made.  Goodnight my pretties! Sweet… screams! Mwahahahahahah!