Playgirl’s Mr Movember!

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I can always tell when a bloke is only growing a moustache for Movember.  For some reason the dignity and gravitas that usually accompanies a genuine nose-muffler, the type grown by ringmasters, philosophers and maths teachers is completely missing. Movember mo-growers either carry it with the grace, aplomb and subtly of an oversized novelty sombrero, brashly waving it around as if to say ‘I’m a wild and crazy guy I want to make party-party’. Or they especially furtive about it, ducking their heads when they catch you checking out their face-friend and giving you sheepish looks through their eyelashes which say ‘I don’t usually look like this’.  

The former I can deal with using the same patient good nature that I use to deal with other people’s ribald dads but the latter I find infuriating because they don’t seem to realise that their bashful moustache makes them about 34% more attractive to me. It makes me so sad that the first day of summer that things gonna be long gone and the city’s make-out appeal is gonna slam right back down to ‘minimal’ until the drunken Christmas parties roll around.

Annyway, I thought I do a little tribute to the most popular ‘tache styles I’ve seen this year. I have obvious favourites, despite loving them all. As my model I have used English actor, J.J. Fields below;

J.J.s pretty awesome permanent moustache honestly make me think, ‘Is there anything wrong with marrying someone based solely on their facial hair?’ The answer is no!

The Bryan Ferry

Although similar in appearance, this thing should not be confused with the Shifty Sam, because it’s  about a billion times more  sophisticated in a never-to-be-attempted-by anyone-other-than-a-thin-attractive-70’s-crooner-or-F. Scott-Fitzgerald kind of way. Just look at J.J. in this baby, he looks like Indiana Jones if he had decided to take art history instead. These things are so classy they have to be rinsed in champagne and styled with tiny silver combs. If I was even  half as well maintained as I should be to deserve a guy sporting one of these,  I’d have to be Audrey fucking Hepburn*

Notable Examples: Bryan Ferry, Clarke Gable, Sammy Davis Jnr. 

Chopper Gringo Hulk Hughes the 70’s Porn and Tennis Star

‘Oh look at me! I’m 100% man oozing with frustratingly charming machismo. I’ve got absolutely no imagination or sense of humour, but I’m great at making out! I’ve never really understood irony but some girl with a fringe and glasses told me my ‘tache was ‘ironic’, and that’s expanded my pick-up range by 20%! I’ll keep milking this fad until it disappears and use the phrase ‘moustache rides’ indiscriminately! Come on ladies, you know I’ll win you over eventually!’

And they do, they always do.

Notable Examples: That dude in Dead Wood, Bubble-O-Bill, and Nick Cave

Patches McGee

Whilst there are a lot of sensory memories about high school which I may still find sexy but patchy pubey facial hair is not one of them. There’s something about this one reminds me of that kid in at school who developed too quickly and had man hips, appalling skin and a shadowy moustache before most other kids could turn 13. Although we should all be impressed with the fact that many men can grow a credible nose-neighbour within a month, there are many who try and fail, miserably. I suggest that these guys don’t bother looking like teenaged nightmares and make generous donations to their more hirsute fellows.

Notable examples: The Woman for Le Tigre, boys from the Brewery Coffee shop on Erskine Street, Leonardo DiCaprio. 

Shifty Sam

Nothing says ‘I’m trying to smell you while you’re not looking’ than a shifty Sam. Even J.J. looks like a sexual harasser in one of these. These kind of thin, wispy snail trails are favoured by office creeps, adult book store owners and the skinny weird villain in costume dramas. But what’s not to like about that? I always said that the best thing about creeps is their perseverance and tenacity.

Notable examples:   Chris Cornell,  John Waters, Crispin Glover (ok, he doesn’t really have one but if he did it would be weird).

Captain Flourish

This is truly the king of all moustaches! It’s majestic, rugged, stately, regal and manly all at the same time. I like these best when they are growing on charming old-timey Southern Gentlemen who say things like ‘I say, well, I say, its mighty fine to meet ya, miss Jo-Maybelleline, would you care for a mint julep and the deed to the plantation in my heart? If you would do me the honour of takin’ it, well, I’d be mighty obliged’.

However, the Captain Flourish may need more than a month to really get going. I don’t think it’s possible to grow a mo in secret, but if you could, it should be this one. Then on the first of November you unveil this beauty and let us all bask in its glory for the next thirty days, a memory to treasure for the rest of my life.

Notable Examples: Corey Stoll, Tom Hardy in Bronson, Mel Gibson in his 'I'm Completely Mad with a beard now' phase. 

Finally, as I woman I felt that I’d been put at disadvantage with Movemeber, being unable to really participate (not that I don’t try, the results are underwhelming). That was until I heard about this lady. I think her story is pretty cool, I think she’s pretty cool. I’ve said it before, I wish I had a credible tache... 

Also also also, before I forget, y'all should really head over to Movember Australia's official site, where you can donate, play games and check out more amateur mos online! Exciting!

*I am currently more like Katherine Hepburn, but the really old Katherine Hepburn who turned up to the Oscars wearing her gardening clothes, covered in dirt.

Halloweening

Halloween is upon us! The witching hour has begun! Pull up a head stone, my Darklings and gather around for I am about to discuss that which prompts ghoulish terror, fiendish horror and devilish dilemmas. Of course, children of the night, I speak of the dreaded Halloween costume! Dun dun dah! Thunder clap! Lightning! Mwahahahahahah!

Despite ranting against Halloween in the past (see here), this year I’ve decided to start getting into the spirit a little bit more. I have conceded for these sensible reasons;

a) By the time I have children Halloween will be a legitimate thing and we’re all going to have to start dealing with that;

b) Halloween incorporates a number of things I like (costumes, the macabre, getting free food);

c) All Hollows Eve is an ancient Celtic tradition and should warm the woaded cockles of my Caledonian heart; and finally,

d) Trying to turn back the tide of American pan-nationalism, which we all claim is why we don’t celebrate this thing,  is a futile as trying to resuscitate a rubber fish.

So this year, I’m getting into it, aided by the fact that I have not one but TWO Halloween Parties to go to tonight! Whoa! So crank up the Monster Mash and break out the Tru Blood; it’s time to get balls to the wall DRESSED UP!

The thing about dressing up just isn’t what it used to be when you were a kid, back when Halloween didn’t really exist in Australia and in order not to piss off our lefty parents we asked if we could have ‘scary’ parties so that we could dress up like Dani from Hocus Pocus and arrange to go trick or treating at our own houses. In those days costumes were way simpler, involving vague ideas actualised by bits of old material recycled from a ballet concert costume your sister wore a year ago with some dodgy face painting and a hat made from an ice cream bucket, stapled together by our parents half an hour before you left the house.

When you dress up as an adult your costume is expected to have loads of thought and effort, consideration and boobs put into it.  Allow me to explain.…

 Say for example you wanted to go to a Halloween party as a witch. Little kids’ witch costumes consist of a black ragged smock, pointy black hat, and pint sized broom and green face paint. Simple pimple, that’s just how it went.

These days things are very different. For starters, there’s the theme. If you’ve been lucky to be invited to a party, you had better hope that the host has been lenient enough that something as simple as a witch is still on theme. As parties could be Pirates vs. Ninjas, Zombies vs. Pirates, Steampunk Pirate Ninja Dinosaur it’s hard to picture where a little witch would fit in fit in. So for the sake of moving forward you haven’t been invited to a Great Gatsby vs. Predator party but a nice rustic ‘Halloween party’ this Halloween.

Then there’s the question, what kind of witch do you dress as? Which film, book or TV show witch would you be referencing? Would you be a 60’s retro Samantha Witch? Little Hermione? Sexy grown-up Hermione? Bushy-buck-tooth-from-the-book-how-she-should-actually-look Hermione? Dress in nineties mini shirt-knee sock combo and ‘OMG I’m totally a nineties teen witch from like The Craft or whatever. I’ve like totally I’ve shaved my head bald and worn a wig because that’s what was happening with Robin Tunney in the movie!  Sooo authentic!’

 Eventually you settle on a Blair Witch costume made of shadows and strategically short twigs. Why so short? Because not only does your costume have to be ironic, clever and referencing whatever hipster meme is sweeping around the traps, you have to look reasonably attractive for all those Instagram photos that will surface on Dia De Los Muertos. For more ranting about looking sexy see here.

So now that you’re sexy, clever and covered in crap you’ve got to get yourself to the party location. This was fine when you had your mother to drive you places.  Now, how exactly do you think you’re gonna cross suburbs in a working Blair Witch costume, with light up twig children and four thematic bottles of Macbeths ThreeWitches Hard Cider?  Unless you’re resigning yourself to the fun police and driving yourself, you’re either using your hard earned cash on a cab (note: I have considered collapsible costumes for this very reason) or you’re hoofing it with public transport. Fortunately in Sydney these days on a Saturday night, what with all the Hens nights, Bucks Turns, Mardi Gras and frankly the way that people dress to go out these days, you are unlikely to be the strangest thing they’ve seen that night.

I’m prepared to put myself through all of this because I have an almost fanatical devotion to dressing up, so I am not complaining in any way! In reality I should have gotten on board with Halloween ages ago because I relish the opportunity use my nut and come up with costumes which are on theme, funny and interesting, transportable and beautiful all at one time. I fact this was my costume for this Halloween…

Right, my devil babies, I must now fly into the night! The first gathering of darkness starts in three hours and it’s going to take at least two to get into that full body gimp suit I made.  Goodnight my pretties! Sweet… screams! Mwahahahahahah!