So I’m catching the train to Parramatta to go see The Muppets (which was just delightful by the way) and it’s hot and sweaty and full of grown-up people who just wanted to get the heck away from their work-a-day lives and relax for a 48 hours. A train of hardworking, world weary adults which qualify as proper humans.
The train pulls up to Central and six or seven youths get on, in the blush of fifteen and very serious sunburn. The girls are wearing only their bikinis and shorts, the boys aren’t wearing shirts. No one appears to be carrying a bag or sunscreen. They have clearly spent their day at the beach. Bastards. But it gets worse. One has a cigarette behind his ear, another was swearing a lot, this one’s made a snarly remark to an old woman and another has an unorthodox piercing. I'm on the train with a bunch of cool kids.
Suddenly I am seized by a sudden cold panic. Am I sweating profusely? Am I making that squirrel face again? Is there anything about the way I look right now that these kids could use against me? Why is this happening here? I have been out of high school for more than six years! I am a grown ass lady. I rent things and have a special card with my face on it which gets me in and out of my place of work. I worry about my vegetable intake and discuss energy costs. But the presence of cool kids slingshots me back to a nerdy 13 year old again, the prefect target.
The cool kids at my school drank first, fought first and fucked first. They were the kids that stole things and got expelled for setting fire to people’s rats tales. Not only were they delinquents but they were cunning. Not witty, but thorough, there’s only so many times someone can ‘accidentally’ stab you with a compass until you crumble. Their taunting could reduce to one to absolute dust, and once a teenager knows how to upset you, they will continue to do it until you end up having to repeat P.E.
Maybe you weren’t the kind of youth that got picked on, but I was 1st Lieutenant of the Superdork squad for the majority of the time (that’s right, wasn’t cool enough to be Captain). High test scoring, student representing sanctimonious little spocky git, who’s really easy to rile up. So needless to say, the cool kids took me down with the keenness I deserved.
Oh gosh, one of them is looking at me! What do I do? Look away or stare them down? If I stare they might think I’m making some sort of misguided cougar attempt. Good, how embarrassing, especially given their teenaged girl friend is as unlumpy and tanned as a card board tube! Look away! Search in bag! Yes search for something in your giant nanna hand bag, maybe you’ll find your hearing medicine in there
Shouldn’t they be terrified of the fact that I older than them? Does that count for anything anymore? When did kids stop respecting their elders? Did I just refer to myself as an elder? Oh my god, I'm freaking out! It used to be when I was younger that you would pretty much break your back trying to get out of the way of a grown up, but now they just stand around with their unburdened, unfettered, unspoilt lives...
Oh god, one’s looking at me! Quick, conspicuously check phone. I’m cool, I have a phone! No messages, they’ll never know as long as you fill out those complicated forms in your bag. Yes, your grown up complicated rentals application forms… yeah, that’s impressive. Not.
Oh thank goodness, I’m at my stop. How do I get past without them lampooning me or acknowledging my exsistance? Don’t they realise it’s hard to negotiate a skateboard strapped to a backpack?
‘Erm, excuse me’.
One kid turns around and looks absolutely aghast. ‘Oh, god, I’m sorry, beg your pardon Ma’am’
‘That’s alright… thanks’.
That’s right… I just got ma’amed… by a cool kid.
Ma’amed.
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