8 Things I'd do if I were a dude

 You ever wonder what you would do if you woke up one day to discover you had a dick? After the initial panic and frantic attempt to find my Brian Doyle-Murray spiritual guide, I think I’d settle in very nicely and get started on my new gender agenda.

Here are just a couple of things I’d do if I were a dude.

Smell Amazing all the time
Seriously menfolk, how do you expect us to get busy with you when you smell like old vegetable sacks full of rotten shoes? All you have to do is wear clean clothes and wash yourself and your body will do the rest. If I were a dude preparing for a date I’d wash with Old Spice, brush my teeth, gently splash myself with cologne, put on clean clothes then run to wherever I needed to be, working up my intoxicating manly musk. Yep, the scent of a vaguely sweaty clean man is a confusingly sexy thing.

Grow a beard
I’ve always envied the stately sartorial statement which is a manly beard. It’s like an extra accessory you can wear on your face. Whereas women have to pay to get their facial hair removed I’d have a legitimate excuse to grow it luxuriously long and lovely for free.

Strike up conversations with likely girls
If I were a dude I would talk to any pretty girl that looked at me appreciatively. I’d make conversation in buses, chat in elevators and flirt at bars. I’d share my umbrella, offer to carry things and generally be courteous and friendly to the point of seeming Edwardian.  I know that this would probably turn out being way creepier than it sounds in my head but once I figured out how to pick my targets I think I could do quite well for myself.

Talk as men do
Dudes seem to bond with other dudes purely on the basis on a mutual  Y chromosome. Seriously, I was having a drink with a mate and this complete stranger sat down with us. Within ten minutes they had exchanged numbers and were planning to watch movies the next day. I overhear real men having hilarious conversations and have devoted some energy into decoding them.  Are they being profound and deep or are they really talking that intensely about melted cheese? One things for sure, I want in!

Play a musical instrument 
I could certainly, happily be the dude who just walks into a place, picks up a banjo and starts serenading people. I don’t know why I don’t do this now, but I know it would be  more charming with my big bushy beard. I would play the banjo, wear a Greek fisherman’s hat and play Appelachian mountain songs… shit I just became my grandpa.

Allow women to style me.
If I were a man I would rely very heavily on the fashion instruction of the women around me, because most of the women I know look amazing all the time. If I took their advice I would almost certainly look interesting, well groomed, hipsterish and hot enough to be up to my elbows in bookish fringy women.

Go topless more often
It’s not socially acceptable for me to get my tits out whenever I like. If I had none, then there would be nothing to stop me from being shirtless 65% of the time.

Not be a dick
Just because society has given me carte blanche to forget appointments, leave texts unreturned, commit constant faux pas, openly ogle, fart, belch and blunder my way through life doesn’t mean that I have to.

Knickers to that I say...

During my last move I had a rare opportunity to count my all my underwear, should the zombie apocalypse arrive I am glad to say I have enough underwear for 30 days before I have to find an abandoned laundromat. I was surprised by the lack of variety and, frankly, the complete lack of ‘fanciness’ in my collection but after all, I am a pragmatic utilitarian. Maybe you’re a petty bourgeois with a satin box full of lace camiknicks and corsets, or a Calvinist with a bundle of hessian bloomers and thistle undershirts, I sure as hell don’t care, but I can tell you…

What your underpants say about you!

G-Sting
Everyone has some bogus reason for why these non-pants exist, so lemme dispel some G-string myths for you;
1. They are good for dancing. Yeah, maybe, but what if you jump to wide and slice yourself in half?
2. They’re sexier than normal undies. Yeah maybe back in Striptease/Showgirls/80’s/90’s land these might have been the better option, considering that the alternative was some sort of puckered floral high cut nightmare your grandma wouldn’t wear. These days we have boy leg Brazil cut camiknicker things which provide both coverage and underbum and are subtle and sophisticated. Thongs are a juvenile kind of sexy you’d see in Zoo or some shit so if you’re a grown arse lady leave them to children. Moreover while it may be considered a good idea to wear your whale tail stickin’ out of your jeans, have you considered that denim is like butt sand paper? You’re going to hurt yourself.
3. They look better under tight things. Great you’re wearing a g-string! Brilliant! So instead of just seeing where your underpants end I can now see every contour of your butt, every cellulite dimple, every mole, every goose bump. That’s much better than a VPL and not a nauseating over share at all!
The bottom line: Not for me.

Cotton Tails
Are you sixty? If not don’t do it. Nothing says ‘I want no willies near me ever’ like panties that go up to your arm pit. Under normal circumstances you can probably get away with wearing these once a fortnight. Any more than that and you might as well embroider ‘Closed’ on the front so no one misses the message.
The bottom line: Better start that cat collection now buddy.



Boy-Leg
You are a person; you live in the world and buy knickers there. You also must be frustrated at the fact that you have a constant VPL, unless you buy those special non-stick scan-pan silicone grippy pants… they are the bestest.
The bottom line: Captain Sensible.










Actual Boy's Underpants
Oooh look at you! You have a boyfriend! Ooooh you spend more time at his place than your own! Oooh you’re so entrenched in his life that you actually share intimate apparel! You’re so smugly in love! Ooooohh oohohooohh!
You make me sick.
Okay whatever, so more than likely you’ve borrowed these from the boyf (fine), keep them as a memento from previous boyf (a bit sad) or you buy men’s undies cos they are so darn comfy (completely understandable).
The bottom line: You’ve figured out an ingenious way to steal cocktail franks and plums.

No Pants
Wow, that’s a game change. Are you sure you want to do that? While everyone should go free at least once a year, being pants-less makes me so nervous I can’t ever really enjoy it. What if your pants aren’t as opaque as you think they are? What if you sit in poison? What if you find yourself upside down for some reason? It’s just too risky! Wearing no underwear is an incredibly powerful secret, and like the codes for the nukes, it would be catastrophic if it falls into the wrong hands. If you do tell someone, expect them to have a strong reaction, otherwise keep it to yourself. Seriously, the news would break like avian flu.
The bottom line:There isn’t one. When you go commando, chaos reigns.